Letting go

For about 3 months I’ve been struggling to let him go.. I’ve finally stopped texting and calling him I might sound crazy but I finally stopped. I realized that you can’t make someone fall for you. If someone doesn’t want your affection then don’t give it to them. I know I will make a perfect girlfriend or wife one day. But, I’m only 20 why am I trying to find someone? Having someone doesn’t make you happy it makes you dependent. I need to learn how to rely on myself and fulfill my own self goals before I bring another person in my life.

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lonely

People are always asking me why I don’t have a boyfriend.. Always telling me I’m too pretty blah blah. I respond saying that I have no time for a boyfriend and they look at me like I’m crazy. And I am crazy. There is nothing I want more than a boyfriend. There have been many of guys in and out of my life. Some boyfriends but, nobody has ever stuck around long enough. My longest relationship of two years was a joke. I just want someone to talk to right now… Someone who will go above and beyond for me. But I also don’t want someone who is obsessed with me.. I might be a tad picky, whatever. 

Blank message

Every night I ponder over the idea of texting you. Filling up that blank space with emotions. I want to write in a way that when you read the text you are overpowered and just want to hold me tight. I want you to feel the ache I feel. The one that keeps me up at night. The typing and then deleting feeling. 

GET OVER HIM.

Truly a good read

ANNE SEES THE WORLD

To all ladies out there who are hurting and can’t seem to move on: Here’s a good read. I did not write this, I just read it from tumblr but it sure helped me a lot. I hope it can help you too.

“Get over him. He’s not even worth it. He is not worth your time or your tears. Yeah you loved him, I know that. And I know you just can’t see yourself with anyone other than him, I get that. I’ve been there. But why should you spend all your time sitting at home, bawling your eyes out and wondering where he is and who he is with. Do you honestly think he is thinking about you? No. Sure it hurts, the fact that he is out there falling in and out of love with other girls. Yeah you’re going to see him with one of his…

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I let him go.

I never thought that after everything ive been through I’d find someone who would steal my heart.. My breath and my dreams. He has consumed my life. I think about the way his hands felt as he grabbed my face to kiss me. How when we went out to eat he would sit next to me. He always was looking at me and smiling. He told me he loved me without even saying it… He would always tell me how he wanted me to lay on him and he would always ask me to come closer. He’d tell me I was beautiful every time I opened the door. He’d tell me his favorite smell was my hair when he kissed my head.The things that seemed non existent are now all to vivid. He looked at me like I was the only person in the room. He adored me. But I betrayed his trust. I lost the only person who could cheer me up. I long to see that look when I made him laugh… I just want to talk to him to be with him but he said he never wants me again. I can’t even bare to see couples anymore… I fucking miss him.

Love is blind

This time last year I was about to face a world that I didn’t know. Lying. Yeah we’ve all lied.. About little things or even sometimes about big things. But have you ever been really lied to? It’s the most heartwrenching and overwhelming  experience. 

I was dating my ex boyfriend john… For about 6 months when I first received a text that john was doing heroin. I was young, blind and in love. He swore he wasn’t doing it but I had this gut feeling. I insisted he take a drug test. It was positive. I cried that day… That week. But I fell for his bullshit. We were dating again only this time there was no secrets…

We lost our friend two months after to drugs. You would have thought that was awakening call to john… 

I have spent endless nights trying to relive the nights that I was blinded by love. The nights he fell asleep at the wheel. The days he drove his friends to get heroin but promised me he would never touch it. The night he pushed me so hard because I asked him why he was always so tired.. I was blind 

February 14th. He took me to Canada. Looking towards the vacation to strengthen our two year bond. Only to find out he was withdrawing. Spent all weekend listening to him beg and cry for me to trust him that it was from Xanax… I longed to trust him.